LivanyandMaii

I've realized that ever since I've written those journals, I've changed a lot. It's weird how a person can change in a short amount of time. 

    After my 2013 experiences, I've changed my views on everything. Like for example, m views on cutting are way different than they used to be, because now I actually understand it. And the same with my personality, I'm not that way anymore. Some things remained the same but the rest has changed. For example, I had written that I wasn't incredibly brave. I've found out that that has actually changed a lot. I've always been really brave, and I've just started to begin to notice it. I'm brave enough to go out of my comfort zone in order to talk to other people, to try new things, and go different places. I've also come to realize that I'm not exactly self confident, or even close to being egotistic. In fact, deep inside, I'm quite the opposite, (of course I don't tell anyone because of my pride). I remember that one time, 2 years ago when someone called me fat, and everyday, I look at myself in the mirror and think those words that that one girl said to me. And sometimes, whenever I walk through the hallways at school, I feel like all those people are silently judging me, like I'm some sort of foreign creature. I've also proven my sensitivity even more. Because I'm an artist, I'm really empathetic and more in tune to the things and people around me. I've learned that I can't exactly worry about my own problems and no one else's. In fact, that's a lot of what caused my depression, it was being around people who felt bad about themselves and all these problems that I couldn't deal with and that made me really angry and upset. I've also discovered that I'm not exactly an open book. If anything, I'm the book no one's bothered to finish, or the book that has a hidden meaning. No one knows exactly everything about me, no one but myself. No one has bothered to learn anything about me. Lastly, my paranoia has gone down a bit, but there are still some things that I worry about. 

    I've noticed that ever since I've moved I've kinda haven up on friendships. My friends from where I used to live have already kinda started leaving me out on things. And also, just recently, I wasn't able to comfort my one friend and someone else was able to. It hurts me, that now, the only people I trust are people from the internet, or my friends from the other side of the planet. My friends at this school I'm going to now don't feel permanent. They feel far away. One of my friends has already kinda flown away (Actually I don't mind that so much considering he was very much a "complain about your problems but don't fix them" person) And one friend that I actually like, never really talks to me much. I feel that after moving so may times I've kinda haven up on friendships. I don't share my life anymore with the friends that I've known. Instead I find myself venting out my emotions to strangers on the internet. I wish i had friends who could physically be there for me, I wish I had true friends that didn't disappear, or slowly fade away. I only have a few friends that are like that, but I feel that the rest kinda flake off. I hate to admit it but, I feel so alone. (Gosh dangit I'm crying. My meds ran out and so I'm trying to survive without them, looks like I'm not doing so well)

I'm gonna end it here today.